Shadow games, p.2
Shadow Games, page 2
Would they breastfeed a child?
I had a baby in my belly!
I put my hands on my hips and turned to the side. No difference. Only a few weeks had passed. Like... two months? Good grief. I just wanted to be a normal college girl. Sexy, cool, going to parties, meeting cute guys, kissing, having sex, and then lightning struck me. I couldn't take birth control pills because my mother thought I was a virgin. My family was extremely conservative, they wouldn't even accept a relationship without a political, financial, and marital purpose.
My father was the director of the secret service. He literally headed the traditional movement, because we were part of high society, members of an old church, we had been rich for generations. My brother was preparing to be a politician, leading a perfect life since childhood, aiming for his future. My mother was a socialite who was always in magazines for her philanthropic work. And now, me, the daughter who didn't keep her tongue in her mouth, destined to tarnish the Miller reputation.
CHAPTER 2
Sienna
I WOKE UP THE NEXT morning with a heavy feeling in my chest. The night had been very long and full of chaotic thoughts. The reality of the positive pregnancy test was a nightmare I couldn't shake. I sat on the bed trying to find the courage to face what I knew needed to be done.
I needed to tell my parents.
I called my mother, feeling my stomach churn. In a short time, she entered the room, her blonde hair loose, wearing gym clothes, holding a glass of morning detox juice, and a slight smile that quickly turned to concern when she saw my expression.
"Sienna, what happened?" he asked, sitting down next to me on the bed.
I took the pregnancy test from the drawer next to me and showed it to her.
— Mom, I... I'm pregnant — I whispered.
She stared at the test, confusion spreading across her face.
"What? How... how did this happen? Who's the father?" she asked, and her confusion quickly turned to tears. "Sienna? How? You're not a virgin? When? My God, my daughter!"
I started crying too, unable to contain my emotions.
"It was at a party, Mom. I went secretly. I spent the night with a stranger... we used a condom, but..." I whispered, and the look of shock and disappointment on my face killed me inside. I broke down. Mom hugged me, both of us crying. The confusion and fear in her eyes reflected what I was feeling.
Hearing the commotion, my brother entered the room, closely followed by my father. Everyone found out at the same time that I was pregnant. My father looked at me, his face red with anger.
"Are you pregnant?" he shouted. "How could you be so irresponsible? How could you embarrass us like this? What am I going to do with you, Sienna?"
I was sobbing, unable to answer. My brother stepped between us, protecting me.
"Dad, calm down. She's scared enough already. Shouting won't help," I said, holding my father's arms, who, at that moment, I thought was going to hit me as I cowered in bed.
Mom, despite being sad, tried to take control of the situation.
Charles, no! That's not going to change anything now! We need to schedule a doctor's appointment, get a blood test. We need to call the child's father.
"He's a stranger!" I exclaimed, my voice trembling. "I don't know how to find him. He gave me a fake number."
My father started ranting again, saying horrible things about how I had ruined the family, that I was a disgrace, and other words that I swallowed along with my tears. Mom, trying to stay calm, took him out of the room. I could hear them arguing at the end of the hall about how bad it would be for our family to have a teenage daughter pregnant out of wedlock.
Desolate, I lay on the bed, my tears soaking the pillow. My brother was the only one who stayed by my side. He hugged me, trying to comfort me.
"Everything will be alright, Sienna," he said, his voice soft and comforting. "We'll get through this together. Pregnancy isn't the end of the world." I wanted to believe him, but the fear and uncertainty were overwhelming. My parents were worried about the family's reputation, but what terrified me was the uncertain future I faced.
"What if they hate me forever?" I asked, my voice almost a whisper.
They won't hate you. They're scared, just like you. But we're strong, we'll get through this.
I clung to his words, trying to find some strength amidst the chaos. We could hear our parents arguing in the hallway, and each of their words felt like a blow to my heart.
"This will ruin our reputation!" my father exclaimed. "Unless she has an abortion."
I shrank even further.
"We need to think about Sienna and the child, not just the reputation," Mom replied in her firm voice. "Mention abortion again, Charles, and I hope you burn in hell, you false Christian. I'm thinking about our daughter's well-being; she's pregnant. It's unacceptable, but it happened."
"How could she be so irresponsible?" he continued, unable to control his anger.
"She's our daughter, and we need to be by her side," Mom retorted, trying to remain calm.
I was torn between guilt and fear. I had made a mistake, but my father's anger and concern for the family's reputation only made it harder to bear. My brother stayed by my side, holding my hand.
"Calm down, you know Dad talks a lot of nonsense when he's nervous," he said, and I just nodded, trying to find some comfort in that, but he was the favorite son, the one who brought pride, and I was the daughter who complained about everything and didn't accept orders easily. "I love you."
"I love you too, thank you for staying here with me," I said to Freddie.
The morning dragged on, and each minute felt like an eternity. Finally, my mother returned to the room, looking as if she had aged ten years, yet possessing a determined demeanor I had never seen before.
"Let's go to the doctor now," she said, heading to my closet. "We need to confirm the pregnancy and see what we'll do next. Go wash your face, brush your teeth, I'm looking for something to wear..."
I got out of bed, still feeling weak and vulnerable. My brother and mother accompanied me to the car; the security guard opened the door for us while my father stood in the doorway, visibly furious. The drive to the doctor's office was silent. My mother held my hand, trying to comfort me. Arriving at the clinic we frequented, we were seen quickly, with the same discreet and efficient approach as always. The doctor, a kind and understanding man, asked for a urine test, drew blood, and confirmed what I already knew. I was pregnant.
"We'll have the quantitative results in a few hours," the doctor said, looking at my mother. "Now, let's move on to the next necessary tests, and give her some advice about her diet— no caffeine..."
He kept talking and all I did was nod. It was too much information. Pamphlets were handed out and book recommendations were given. We left the office and went home, the weight of reality still pressing on me. My mother and brother were by my side, but my father's absence was irritating. I imagined it was a shock, that he was conflicted, torn between his love for me and his concern for the family's reputation. But, damn it, it wasn't his life that was going to change! It was mine. He was already an adult, established, married, and with children.
I was starting adult life. And not very well.
When I got home, I went straight to my room. I lay down on the bed and closed my eyes, trying to find some peace amidst the chaos. My mother came in shortly after, sitting down beside me.
"Sienna, my daughter, don't be like that. The baby feels everything you're feeling," she said, her voice soft and full of love. "You're my daughter, and I love you no matter what happens. Inside there is my grandson or granddaughter. And now, we're going to deal with this."
Her words brought momentary comfort, but the fear of the future still consumed me.
"What am I going to do, Mom?" I asked in a whisper. "How am I going to take care of a baby? How am I going to continue college? It's awful to admit, but I don't know how to take care of myself."
"One step at a time. Everything in life is a learning process, and you're one of the smartest people I know," he replied, holding my hand. "First, we need to make sure you and the baby are healthy. Then, we'll think about the rest. Everything in due time, okay? If God allowed this to happen now, it was meant to be."
I nodded, feeling a little calmer. The road ahead would be difficult, but with my family by my side, perhaps I could find a way to overcome everything. The rest of the day was a haze of conversations and plans about the pregnancy. My mother called some clinics and scheduled tests. My brother stayed by my side trying to distract me with stories and jokes. At the end of the day, Kourtney brought everything I'd missed from college. I had an assignment due, but all I could do was wet my laptop keyboard with tears.
Fear was a constant and oppressive presence. My life was about to change forever.
When night fell, everyone finally went to sleep, and I stayed awake, hugging a pillow, lying on my side. I started thinking about Adam, the unknown man who, somehow, would become a part of my life in a way I never imagined. The father of my baby. How could I find him? And even if I did, what would he say? How would he react? Would I knock on his door and say, "Hey, you fucked me at the hotel, and now we're going to have a child?!"
I closed my eyes, trying to push away those bizarre scenes, but sleep wouldn't come. I took a deep breath and told myself that just as I'd mustered the courage to run away from my bodyguard, fake an ID, and go drinking at a party full of older guys, now I needed to take responsibility. Actions always have consequences.
CHAPTER 3
Sienna
MY PARENTS DECIDED to announce my pregnancy even though it was relatively early. I was against it, but they wanted to maintain the narrative that they were in control, proud, and taking care of me. It was partially true. My mother and brother were being very supportive; my father didn't even look in my direction. And as I imagined, the news spread through the media and became the main topic of gossip at college and in all the social circles I frequented. Washington DC could be cruel, traditional, and conservative, and I found myself at the center of a scandal that seemed to have no end.
As if it were absurd for a woman to have sex and get pregnant...
Well, the issue that scandalized morals and good customs was my age and single status.
I began to face a ridiculous battle against the disapproving stares and whispers that seemed to follow me wherever I went. It was as if getting pregnant was a crime or that the antichrist was in my belly. The pressure of the delicate moment I was going through increased with the comments, and I felt like I was about to collapse. I could no longer maintain the facade of my usual indifference, be the girl who was unfazed by so few things.
A few days before turning twelve weeks pregnant, my mood was particularly bad. I woke up with sore breasts, nausea, and a headache. I wasn't sure if I could endure another day of murmurs and judgmental stares, but I still got ready for college, had breakfast with my parents wanting to cry because my dad kept pretending I didn't exist. I went into the classroom, sat next to Kourtney, who gave me a good morning smile. But before I could respond, a boy from the class, someone I almost lost my virginity to months ago, approached.
His expression was one of curiosity and, perhaps, a hint of mischief? I wasn't sure what he intended, since we hadn't spoken since the next day, when he tried to play the "guy who wasn't ready for a relationship," and I was relieved not to have to speak to him.
"Sienna, I need to know... am I the father?" he asked, loud enough for everyone around to hear.
Was this for real? I felt my face flush with anger and shame. How could he be so insensitive? And miserable? I stood up, glaring at him. His friends were exchanging elbows and giggles. The gossip about who the father of my baby might be was taking terrible turns; in the church hallways, Kourtney overheard two girls commenting that it could be my brother because we were strangely close.
— It's ridiculous for you to think that could be the case. Your penis is tiny, you ejaculated between my legs, it didn't even get close to my vagina, and I only faked it to get it over with quickly.
His friends started laughing and he shrank back a little, humiliated. The unwanted attention embarrassed me even more. I felt tears threatening to fall and decided I couldn't stay there another second.
"I'm getting out of here," I murmured to Kourtney, grabbing my things quickly.
She tried to stop me, but I was already at the door, hurrying me to get out of that suffocating place.
My security guard stood up when he saw me, and I yelled at him to stay away. I didn't need him bothering me either. I wandered aimlessly through the streets, trying to push away the negative thoughts. I ended up going into a nearby coffee shop, hoping to find some peace. The aroma of coffee filled the air, but when I remembered that I couldn't drink caffeine because of my pregnancy, I felt a lump in my throat and tears began to stream down my face, as I couldn't hold them back.
I stood in line waiting my turn, trying to hide from curious glances every time I sniffled. That's when a man approached. He was tall, strong, incredibly handsome, with piercing blue eyes and black hair. His presence was imposing and, somehow, frightening.
"Are you alright?" he asked, his voice hoarse, deep and firm.
I nodded, wiping away my tears.
"Yes, I am... just a little emotional. I can't drink coffee and I want some. Well, I guess it's the hormones," I replied, wiping my face.
He smiled, a smile that was both comforting and a little unsettling.
— I understand. How about a decaf coffee with cream?
"I would be very grateful," I replied, my voice low. I went to a table and sat on a high stool. He placed his order and, shortly after, returned with the coffee, sitting down opposite me and placing my order on the table.
Here you go. My name is Nicola, and yours?
— Sienna — I replied, holding the cup with both hands. — Thank you, Nicola.
He tilted his head, studying me with those intense eyes.
— It seems like something bad is happening. Do you want to talk about it?
There was something about the way he spoke, about his presence, that made me feel safe enough to open up. I began to tell him about the unexpected pregnancy, the scandal at college, my parents' reaction, and the constant fear of the future. The words flowed in a continuous stream, as if I had kept it all inside for too long. Nicola listened attentively, occasionally asking gentle questions, but never interrupting. When I finished, I realized I had stopped crying. There was a strange calmness about me. He was patient, although he seemed like a busy man, probably in the military or something.
Perhaps it was the dark clothing, the very upright posture, always subtly aware of his surroundings. I recognized that behavior in the men my father trained.
"You're very brave," she said finally. "Facing all of this alone isn't easy."
Before I could answer, a redhead entered the cafeteria. She approached us, her expression shifting from curiosity to jealousy at the sight of Nicola with me. And wow, she startled me a little with how angry she got. But as she looked at me more closely, her expression softened.
"Hi, honey. Sorry I took so long at the salon," she said with a smile. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your date?" she asked, her voice firm but not hostile.
— This is Sienna. We were just talking. Sienna, this is my wife, Renata.
I smiled shyly.
Hello. We were just... talking about a few things.
She analyzed me critically. I was kind of like Regina George in school. I knew another mean girl miles away. And Renata was the really mean type.
"I understand. Well, it's nice to meet you, Sienna," he said with a cold smile. I wanted to cry and call her a cow. He wasn't wearing a wedding ring, how the hell would I know he was married? And that conversation full of tears, snot, and babies wasn't what I knew as flirting. Not to mention it was obvious he was more experienced than me; there was no chemistry between us.
Nicola stood up, giving me one last look.
"Perhaps we'll meet again someday. Take care, Sienna," he said with a gentler expression.
"Thank you, Nicola," I replied softly, watching them leave. She was saying something, as if complaining, but he silenced her with a single look. Outside, a man dressed all in black opened the car door for them. They were certainly rich, nothing unusual in the city. But if he was from the political sphere, it was strange that I didn't know them...
I shrugged, somewhat indifferent to the couple I wouldn't see again, and stood there alone for a few minutes, absorbing the reasons why I should go back to college, attend my classes, because in the end, I still needed to defy my father and graduate in law, not become an architect— the profession of a good wife. What husband wants a woman aware of all the laws that could not only take half his money but also put him in jail? That was her friends' joke. There was a list of acceptable professions for a tradwife. Nicola's presence had been comforting in an unexpected way, but as soon as they left, the tears started to fall again.
I needed to find a way to move on, to deal with all of this. I picked up my phone and texted Kourtney, asking her to come meet me. She arrived quickly, her face full of worry.
"You can't just grab it and leave like that, girl," she said, sitting down beside me and pulling me into a hug. I mumbled that I was going to have a baby and could do whatever I wanted. She laughed, patting my back when I started to cry again. "It's okay. It's going to be okay."
I wanted to believe her. I was trying to fill myself with faith that somehow everything would work out. But at that moment, all I could do was cry and hope that tomorrow would bring some clarity, a new hope, that this baby wouldn't turn my whole life upside down. He would grow inside me and then I would have to give birth, and both things were terrifying. And finally, I would have to breastfeed him. Dress him. Stay up all night while I had to keep up with my studies.
